A Clockwork Paranoia (my webcomic)

[Hobgoblin]

First of all, I apologize pre-emptively for my bad English, I'm Italian and not used to speak/write in English.
As the title says, I'm come forth to you Goblinites (is that right?) with my very own modest brand-new webcomic. The first page is up today (yesterday, in my time zone), but on the blog there're more images and studies related to the comic. It's the first forum I link it in, because it's the only one I lurk in (ok, I lurk also in the Playground, but only on the Goblins thread).
I'm the autor and scriptwriter, whereas the art (pencils, inking, colour AND lettering) is by comic artist Natascia Mora (at least the good one, unfortunately the blog design is made by me...and I'm no visual artists nor web designer). The story is a mix of weird fiction, noir, horror and steampunk.
I'm not asking you to become fans or click on it every day (also because it's a) just started and b) it'll update monthly, so not a lot on the plate right now), but I'd like a sincere opinion, if you may. Negative ones are welcome as well, so we can improve our work.
Ps: there's a slight problem with the HTML "spoiler" script on the posts, so to open the "English" button on every post (except for the last cronologically, the first up), you have to first open the single blog post. Sorry, I'm trying to figure out how to make it work right.
Pps: PLEASE be grammar nazis with me, I really appreciate it. Not joking.
Edit: if you like it, I could keep you posted on the updates (or you could check the Facebook page or Deviantart page), as you prefer...I don't want to be an annoying spammer).

[RidcullyJack]

First of all, I apologize pre-emptively for my bad English, I'm Italian and not used to speak/write in English.
As the title says, I'm come forth to you Goblinites (is that right?) with my very own modest brand-new webcomic. The first page is up today (yesterday, in my time zone), but on the blog there're more images and studies related to the comic. It's the first forum I link it in, because it's the only one I lurk in (ok, I lurk also in the Playground, but only on the Goblins thread).
I'm the autor and scriptwriter, whereas the art (pencils, inking, colour AND lettering) is by comic artist Natascia Mora (at least the good one, unfortunately the blog design is made by me...and I'm no visual artists nor web designer). The story is a mix of weird fiction, noir, horror and steampunk.
I'm not asking you to become fans or click on it every day (also because it's a) just started and b) it'll update monthly, so not a lot on the plate right now), but I'd like a sincere opinion, if you may. Negative ones are welcome as well, so we can improve our work.
Ps: there's a slight problem with the HTML "spoiler" script on the posts, so to open the "English" button on every post (except for the last cronologically, the first up), you have to first open the single blog post. Sorry, I'm trying to figure out how to make it work right.
Pps: PLEASE be grammar nazis with me, I really appreciate it. Not joking.
Edit: if you like it, I could keep you posted on the updates (or you could check the Facebook page, as you prefer...I don't want to be an annoying spammer).

Nothing wrong with the grammar, and I like the style it's drawn in. If the lightning is only striking in the 2nd panel, should the other panels be darker by contrast? - I guess I don't know if it's dusk or the middle of the night. Also, Mary is casting a shadow in the 2nd panel, but the church doesn't seem to be.

It's great that you're not telling the story with dialog. We can see she's heavily pregnant, and having her call out "Please, I'm pregnant, and standing in the rain!" would be bad. I was happy enough reading the page in Italian; the pictures tell the story.
Obviously it's too soon to tell if I'll be a fan, but I'll be back to see the next page.

[nikohl]

I agree with Jack, I'm glad that a lot of the information is given visually rather than in dialog form.

One thing I will say, is that for an English user, "tic-tac" doesn't sound like door knocking, and I assume the words are meant to illustrate her hammering on the door to get in. But, that is definitely a language-based thing. It's like I can never understand how the French think a phone says "dran dran!" instead of "ring ring", or that Japanese dogs say "wan wan" instead of "woof woof" - to Italian readers, "tic-tac" probably looks exactly right, but to me it looks too gentle, like the noise that you get from tapping your fingers on a desk. Plus, a tic-tac is a little minty sweet you can buy here in England

[Hobgoblin]

Thank you very much for your feedback!
@RidcullyJack: I can tell you without any relevant spoilers, it's right after dusk, so it's not completly dark. Speaking of shadows in the second panel, that's a bit of artistic license, because otherwise we wouldn't be able to see the girl. But thank you for pointi it out, I didn't think it strikes out so much. We'll be more careful.
@nikohl: tit-tac isn't door knocking, but this. My bad, I didn't know in English was an onomatopoeia so obscure. I'll try to fix it!

To the both of you: I like to tell the story without a direct narrator, I'm glad you like it. And without some misteries, there wouldn't be paranoia.

[lingrem]

HA! I knew it was tick-tock!!!

#feelsproud

It looks like it will be a very nice comic.

[Hobgoblin]

HA! I knew it was tick-tock!!!

#feelsproud

It looks like it will be a very nice comic.

Thank you!
On the matter of the onomatopoeia, I'll ask the artist if she can change it on the English pages to "tick tock". If not, I'll clearify it on the posts.

[Hobgoblin]

"Tic tac/Tick tock" thing for the English version fixed!

[gamecreator]

So there is english version! How can I access it?

[Hobgoblin]

So there is english version! How can I access it?

By clicking on the "English" spoiler button.

[gamecreator]

Thanks! I couldn't notice it no matter how hard I searched.

[Hobgoblin]

Thanks! I couldn't notice it no matter how hard I searched.

Should I put a bigger button?

[gamecreator]

I don't know. I'm not used to a comic-in-a-blog style. But if you want some feedback on site design, big poster at the top of the page looks very much like a cover of a paged view and was a bit misleading without any navigation buttons present. You could add something like "Scroll down to read the comic" under the poster.

[Hobgoblin]

I don't know. I'm not used to a comic-in-a-blog style. But if you want some feedback on site design, big poster at the top of the page looks very much like a cover of a paged view and was a bit misleading without any navigation buttons present. You could add something like "Scroll down to read the comic" under the poster.

Thanks for the advice! I'm not good with web design, so for now I have to settle for this, but I'll try reducing the banner size.

[Hobgoblin]

News: I tried fixing the html "spoiler" (English) thing but to no avail, it just isn't my thing. I circumvented the problem by adding a jump on each post and writing a brief explanation on top of the blog. I haven't still reduced the banner, but I'll do. In the meantime, I created a Deviantart page for A Clockwork Paranoia!

[Hobgoblin]

Updates: banner reduced (I hope now it's ok) and some character studies posted. And on the first of April comes the second page!

[Hobgoblin]

PAGE #2 is online! Please, let me know what do you think! I'm going to bed, the fever reclaims it.

[gamecreator]

Nice. But I think there is a typo in panel 3: "rust" instead of "trust".

[Hobgoblin]

Nice. But I think there is a typo in panel 3: "rust" instead of "trust".

Thanks, I'll fix it right away!

[Hobgoblin]

Nice. But I think there is a typo in panel 3: "rust" instead of "trust".

Thanks, I'll fix it right away!

...and fixed!

[LAYF]

Again, superb artwork.

as we have talked about (PM) the comic of course caries a heavy religious "mood" so far, but it's only 2 pages, so not much to say there.
On this page you manage to quickly and effectively communicate the sense personal morale battling a sense of duty and/or need to follow a as of yet unknown set of rules. That is a great way to capture readers IMO, because at the first page you establish a sense of urgency and fear, that is now, for the reader at least overshadowed by mystique and then need to figure out what this hidden "code of conduct" that the priest is following truly is.. the Title "Paranoia" creeps in both in the form of the priests expression and words, but also in the feeling of not knowing what the true evil behind all this is... is it the lady possessed? is it an evil secret society of doomsday priests or is it humanities own fear of itself and the unknown? or something else entirely? it is all unknown and already installed as questions after just 2 pages.. If you can keep this up, both in writing and art, I'm sure you have made a really good future ahead this comic

keep up the good work....

*but still, you should consider changing to English as the main language to attract more readers.... either that or at least make a small English flag under or above each comic page that links directly to the english version of the page... many will be thrown off by the not to obvious choose of language..


The best regards -LAYF.

[Hobgoblin]

Again, superb artwork.

as we have talked about (PM) the comic of course caries a heavy religious "mood" so far, but it's only 2 pages, so not much to say there.
On this page you manage to quickly and effectively communicate the sense personal morale battling a sense of duty and/or need to follow a as of yet unknown set of rules. That is a great way to capture readers IMO, because at the first page you establish a sense of urgency and fear, that is now, for the reader at least overshadowed by mystique and then need to figure out what this hidden "code of conduct" that the priest is following truly is.. the Title "Paranoia" creeps in both in the form of the priests expression and words, but also in the feeling of not knowing what the true evil behind all this is... is it the lady possessed? is it an evil secret society of doomsday priests or is it humanities own fear of itself and the unknown? or something else entirely? it is all unknown and already installed as questions after just 2 pages.. If you can keep this up, both in writing and art, I'm sure you have made a really good future ahead this comic

keep up the good work....

*but still, you should consider changing to English as the main language to attract more readers.... either that or at least make a small English flag under or above each comic page that links directly to the english version of the page... many will be thrown off by the not to obvious choose of language..


The best regards -LAYF.

Wow, you make me blush! Thanks, that's the most detailed and flattering review I got so far.
I'd like very much to answer some of your doubts and questions, but I fear to spoiler something, so I'll shut. Let's just say that I like to instill some sort of "paranoia" in the reader and I'm glad I doing it right for the time being. I hope my "creep streak" doesn't end here!

As for the English being the main language, we are talking about that, but right now there're two main problems: most of our readers are Italians and I still don't know how to give both pages (Italian and English) the same exposure. I tried the button thing (a "English" spoiler button), but it created problems on the home (clicking one of the buttons opened ONLY the last post, first up, so the button functioned properly only opening the post separately). One way or another, we'll fix this.

Ps: I'll make sure to let my co-author know of your compliment about her artwork.

[LAYF]

well... you could just add a ling in hte start of each blog... like the following code

for blog with page 1

Code: Select all

<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-2wtCA4Sbawg/UxTiyiukqmI/AAAAAAAAAJA/Q3SYbvm3Si0/s1600/tavola+1+con+testi%2528colore%2529_ENG%25281%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" src="http://i.imgur.com/rnIqFVa.png" />English version page of 1</a><br />

and for page 2:

Code: Select all

<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-cb8UKZu2ODo/UzqlQfw2_lI/AAAAAAAAALA/MSr1v2mgqQA/s1600/tavola+2+eng.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" src="http://i.imgur.com/rnIqFVa.png" />English version of page 2</a>

that would add an English flag and the text English version page of 1/2 to the blog post. like those in this page: http://testpages001.blogspot.dk/
the links are directly to the page and a highly visible without disturbing the page... alternately you do not even need to add the "English version of page X" test, as the flag is self explaining...

just a little suggestion

[Hobgoblin]

well... you could just add a ling in hte start of each blog... like the following code

for blog with page 1

Code: Select all

<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-2wtCA4Sbawg/UxTiyiukqmI/AAAAAAAAAJA/Q3SYbvm3Si0/s1600/tavola+1+con+testi%2528colore%2529_ENG%25281%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" src="http://i.imgur.com/rnIqFVa.png" />English version page of 1</a><br />

and for page 2:

Code: Select all

<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-cb8UKZu2ODo/UzqlQfw2_lI/AAAAAAAAALA/MSr1v2mgqQA/s1600/tavola+2+eng.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" src="http://i.imgur.com/rnIqFVa.png" />English version of page 2</a>

that would add an English flag and the text English version page of 1/2 to the blog post. like those in this page: http://testpages001.blogspot.dk/
the links are directly to the page and a highly visible without disturbing the page... alternately you do not even need to add the "English version of page X" test, as the flag is self explaining...

just a little suggestion

Oooooh, now I understand what you ment! Thank you VERY much!
Would that be better than visualize the pages directly on the blog, without clicking back?
BTW, I'll talk about it with the artist and we'll implement some changes to reflect English as more prominent (or as the main language). Thanks for the codes!

[LAYF]

No problem
also, yes I think it would... if nothing else, it makes it accessible when an update is up, and that is probably how people are going to be introduced to the comic anyways... that way people will know they can find an English (or Italian) version.. so even if they come in at a wrong page they know they can find the one they need

[gamecreator]

I tried the button thing (a "English" spoiler button), but it created problems on the home (clicking one of the buttons opened ONLY the last post, first up, so the button functioned properly only opening the post separately).

The spoiler element is seriously flawed and can exist only one per page. An easy way to fix this would be:

► Show Spoiler

Code: Select all

<div id="spoiler" style="display: none;">Your Content</div>
<button onclick="if(document.getElementById('spoiler') .style.display=='none') {document.getElementById('spoiler').style.display=''}else{document.getElementById('spoiler') .style.display='none'}" title="Click to show/hide content" type="button">Spoiler Title</button>

► Show Spoiler

Code: Select all

<div style="display: none;">Your Content</div>
<button type="button" title="Click to show/hide content" onclick="if(this.previousElementSibling.style.display=='none'){this.previousElementSibling.style.display=''}else{this.previousElementSibling.style.display='none'}">Spoiler Title</button>