Story Time with Uncle Aegis: Episode 2

[nikohl]

Well, I'm enjoying it. I'm not saying it doesn't need a bunch of editing, but I'm a sucker for a story and I want to know what happens!

[thinkslogically]

He wouldn't have, normally... but there's a little deus ex side thing --- this group's "chosen by fate" --- the Queen did say she can't kill them outright while talking to Roig, there -has- to be a climactic battle between "a" group of heroes (Vincent's) and the "dragon violating divine law" (Revvenaxia).

Ok, so I think you're going to have to build this into the storyline WAY better then. Deus ex is only deus ex when the solution comes out of nowhere, and is effectively bad storytelling. You know what's going to happen, so set your readers expectations. Deus ex is a bad thing - if you're going to get them off the hook then make sure it's done by something you've hinted at.

If these guys are 'chosen by fate' then give us a hint that that's true. Make the prisoners aware of it to some extent so that they're more likely to take risks (because they KNOW they can't be killed). But you HAVE to give us more to go on, because right now it seems like a bunch of random stuff is just happening for no reason, so it's confusing and you'll lose your readers. Don't be scared to give little bits of the plot away early on - it sets the scene and allows you to reveal the details as you go through.

[Quarg]

Alright, last one since people have effectively opined that it's so terrible it can't be looked at Episode 3: Trouble On The Road

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At least I have essentially said...needs a lot of work...Not that it was complete crap...

[thinkslogically]

Likewise. I don't think it's crap, or else I wouldn't have bothered to critique it.

[ThroughTheWell]

My comments were an attempt to solicit some more thoughts on the world building from you...

World building, in general or Aegis's in this story? If the former, then it is OT. If the latter, if I'd had a big problem with the world building I'd have mentioned it. But in the first scene there is not a lot of the world that we saw. I called it 'cosmoploitan d&D' IIRC. It has 'beast creatures', magic, and evil. Aegis could have a lovely world built in his head, but if he can't engaingly get it to paper, then who cares. The characterization, and other problems stand way in front of any 'world' there may be. Write well, and maybe I can see the world, or stomach the story long enough to see enough of the world to find out how deriviative, orignial, or shaded it is. But the basic writing problems already present do not give me hope that there is enough skill and discipline to show me that world well. And by discipline I mean fixing what is already there instead of forging ahead in error. That is not as exciting as writing more, but it shows professionalism and craftmanship. I'm not interested in working for no reward. I'm not interested in talking and not being heard.

For a short story or scene of 5 pages as I've recommended focusing on, most people will use well understood conventions as the basis of their world, because they just don't have the room for the wildly original. I might call that world selection, not building.

Tell you what. If you care about world building, and you think it is important now, then you comment on it. I just don't see it as relevant yet.

[Quarg]

I said forget it...and I meant it...

[Aegis J Hyena]

I'm just about done editing the rest of the pages, and finished rewriting the final scene I'm up to. Off to write 200 more pages before a major editing pass again... Thanks again for your comments everyone; they at least put me in a level headed mood rather than swelled up with "I'm a good writer!" syndrome.

First it gets written and the story told (at least, how I understand it), then it gets cleaned up. "Discipline", for me, means getting the damn thing done; this is my... I think 8th attempt. Mostly due to RL getting in the way, or character infighting and going their own way no matter what I do (as with the characters I had in the picture my user image is taken from...)

I'll send the 200 pages to anyone who wants 'em, either for them to edit themselves or just plain read.

spoilers: Roig's ultimate fate is to be de-manned by amazons... heh.