Tell your best joke.

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hypothetical
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Tell your best joke.

Post by hypothetical » Wed Aug 21, 2013 2:26 am

More of a contest than a game. Everybody tell your #1 funniest CLEAN joke. No second chances, no do overs. Let's see what your sense of humor is like.
The Town Of Avignon and Their Problems in the Early 18th Century.
Many years ago in the small town of Avignon there was a large church that had fallen upon a calamity when their bell ringer passed away suddenly.
No one in Avignon had the skills to play the 15 note bell scale, and without the draw of the bells attendance had decreased.
The Cardinal had no choice but to advertise the vacancy throughout the land. He dispatched many acolytes to the surrounding town to Cry the churches need.
Early one morning several weeks later a young strange man arrived. He requested an audience with the Cardinal. Taken before the Cardinal the man announced " Your Eminence I understand that you have a vacancy for a bell ringer. I have been a bell ringer for all of my life. I am here to offer my services to you in your time of need."
The Cardinal was slightly taken aback, and replied, " Young man how can you possibly be a bell ringer? Why, you have no arms!"
Instead of replying the young man walked out of the room and headed for the bell tower. Bemused the Cardinal followed him up the stairs to see what the man was up to. Entering the bell tower the young man looked around for a moment, and suddenly jumped upwards. Grabbing the rope with just his legs and teeth the man climbed into the tower, and then the Cardinal was amazed as the man began jumping among the various ropes in a feat of athletic legerdemain, slamming the front of his head into the bells, and producing the most beautiful song the Cardinal had ever heard.
Suddenly, at the climax of the song, the young man slipped, and before the Cardinal's eyes fell and was killed instantly upon hitting the flagstones.
Horrified the Cardinal summoned the local gendarme to report the death. After hearing the story the gendarme asked " What was the young man's name?"
The Cardinal said " I don't know, but his face rings a bell."
Now, about two weeks later, another young man arrived and requested an audience with the Cardinal. Taken to the Cardinal the young man said " Your Eminence a short time ago my brother came to offer you his services as a bell ringer. My family have been bell ringers for many generations and I would be pleased to offer you my service in replacement of my younger sibling."
Smiling the Cardinal asked the young man to demonstrate his skills, and the young man lead him to the bell tower. For the second time in as many weeks the Cardinal was amazed as this second armless young man jumped around the tower, playing a fantastic medley. And for the second time he was devastated as he watched another soul fall to his death during a performance.
Once again the local gendarme was summoned, and again he was told a tale of misadventure. A little suspicious by this point the gendarme asked "At what was this one's name this time?"
The Cardinal said " I don't know, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
I think I may be thinking, therefore I may possibly be being.

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thinkslogically
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Re: Tell your best joke.

Post by thinkslogically » Wed Aug 21, 2013 2:29 am

How do you get Pikachu onto a bus?
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LAYF
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Re: Tell your best joke.

Post by LAYF » Wed Aug 21, 2013 2:30 am

Hmm.. off my head, and be-course I don't know any international jokes.

A Irishman and a Scot walks out of a bar.....
-Best regards LAYF

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Jibjib
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Re: Tell your best joke.

Post by Jibjib » Wed Aug 21, 2013 12:16 pm

A french snail walks into a car dealership and says:

"Bonjour, monsieur, I would like to buy a maserati. I will pay today with cash, if zat is possible"
The car salesman, happy to get his commission, replies "Of course sir, that's fine."
The snail says: "Zer is however, one small condition. On ze side of ze maserati, I would like painted a large red S. I will return, in one week, to collect ze maserati, oui?"

So he leaves, and returns one week later and sees his new maserati, and says:

"Oui, oui! Precisement, c'est parfait!"

He gets in and prepares to drive off, but the car salesman taps on the window and says:
"Sorry, I've gotta ask, why did you want a large red S painted on the side of your car?"

The snail replies: "Well, mon ami, when I am driving through ze streets of Paris, people will turn zer heads and look and say 'Wow, look at zat cool escargot!'"
Psychosis is such an ugly word... I prefer Internalised Reality Warping.

"Theis, you can't touch my boobies, at least buy me dinner first!" ~Asks, 09/08/2014

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staron13
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Re: Tell your best joke.

Post by staron13 » Wed Aug 21, 2013 8:20 pm

A horse walks into a bar. Ouch!
Hmmmm a signature... I could put some awesome things here

cpldustov
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Re: Tell your best joke.

Post by cpldustov » Mon Sep 23, 2013 10:43 am

A man walks into a bar with his pet Giraffe which promptly lies down near a group of students who start petting it. The man orders a beer, pays for it and then turns to leave. The barman quickly shouts out
"OI! ... You can't leave that lyin' there!"
To which the man drunkenly slurs back,
"It'ssssnot a lion. 'sss a Giraffe"

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Borys
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Re: Tell your best joke.

Post by Borys » Mon Sep 23, 2013 11:21 am

Whole collection of military/Stalin/Russia jokes...
let's see the best would be...
Stalin and all the most important people in communist party are having a meeting. During very important Stalin's speech one of the party members sneezed. Stalin says:
"Who was it?"
Nobody dares answer.
"Good then" Says Stalin "Last row... must be executed!"
Quickly soldiers goes in, takes all of the guys in the last row, and leads them outside. Soon shots can be heard outside.
But soon somebody snores again.
"Well" Says Stalin "So, who was it?"
Silence again.
"As you wish, second row... executed!"
And so on situation repeats until four rows are executed.
Finally one really scared communist says:
"GławKom... it was me." And prepares himself to die.
Stalin answers:
"Then God bless you comrade, good bless you."
Complains of Everything in Minelings.
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Boro in Unhallowed Isle
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SamWiser
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Re: Tell your best joke.

Post by SamWiser » Mon Sep 23, 2013 12:56 pm

A Roman walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "I want a martinus."
The bartender says, "Don't you mean a martini?"
Roman punches the bartender, "If I wanted a double I would have asked for it!"
Thanks to Arch Lich Burns for the avatar, and Mnementh for the mustache.

ÔÇ£Shoot the dictator and prevent the war? But the dictator is merely the tip of the whole festering boil of social pus from which dictators emerge; shoot him and there'll be another one along in a minute. Shoot him too? Why not shoot everyone and invade Poland?ÔÇØ
ÔÇò Terry Pratchett

nikohl
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Re: Tell your best joke.

Post by nikohl » Tue Sep 24, 2013 12:35 am

What cheese would you use to hurry up Winnie the Pooh?

Camembert.


What cheese would you use to hide a small horse?

Mascarpone.

(...both are much better spoken. Come on, bear! and mask a pony)

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